Facing cancer is hard enough without worrying about how others talk to you. If you’re a loved one, friend, or coworker trying to support someone with cancer, you probably want to say the right thing but sometimes it’s tricky to know what that is. I’ve been there and I want to share what truly helps from my experience, as well as some phrases that even if well meaning, can hurt more than help.
What to Say: Words That Comfort and Empower
When you’re supporting someone with cancer, simple honesty and presence often mean the most. Here are a few phrases that helped me feel seen and supported:
“I’m here for you.” Just knowing someone is willing to stand beside you makes a huge difference.
“How can I help?” Offers practical support without assuming what’s needed.
“I don’t have all the answers, but I want to listen.” It’s okay not to know what to say — listening is often more powerful.
“You’re not alone in this.” Fighting cancer can feel isolating, so reminders of community and care are invaluable.
The most important thing? Listen more than you speak. Sometimes the best support is just listening.
What NOT to Say: Phrases That May Hurt or Alienate
I know most people mean well, but here are some things I heard that questioned someone’s care or made me feel worse and why:
“Stay positive!” Cancer is terrifying and exhausting. Telling someone to “stay positive” can make them feel like they’re failing if they have bad days.
“Everything happens for a reason.” While meant to comfort, this can feel dismissive or like it’s minimizing the pain.
“At least it’s not (some worse disease).” Comparing suffering is never helpful , pain is pain.
“You look great!” This may seem like a compliment, but it can make someone feel like their inner struggles are invisible or invalid. Besides, when someone said this to me, I always replied “So you are just going to stand there and lie to me”? I know I look like crap!
The truth is, cancer is complicated, painful, and emotional, and no single phrase can fix that. But awareness of these can help avoid accidentally causing more hurt or aggravation. Sometimes it may not seem so, but that person your trying to support is very appreciative that your are just simply there, so even if you just sit there, hold their hand, or just talk about anything, it’s more helpful than you know.
How to Support Beyond Words
Support isn’t just about what you say. Actions matter:
Offer to help with practical things: rides to appointments, meals, errands.
Check in regularly but respect if they need space.
If you are in a hospital situation, check with the doctor or nurse about any updates regarding treatment or meds. Doing so will not only give you more accurate information (in case the patient is on pain meds) but will prevent someone to constantly repeat what’s going on with the treatment.
Be patient with mood swings, cancer and treatment can drastically affect emotions.
A Little Humor Goes a Long Way
Now this is always going to be dependent on the individual. When the moment feels right, gentle humor can lighten heavy days. A shared laugh reminds us of normal life beyond cancer. Just be sure to follow their lead and avoid jokes about their illness unless they bring it up first.
Listen, there’s no perfect script for talking to someone with cancer. What matters most is kindness, patience, and showing up. Please understand that for most of us, this is the worst experience of our life, pretty much a walk through hell. Don’t think for a single moment that you are not needed, no matter how you are treated or sometimes talked to. Your presence means everything! If you’re facing cancer yourself, remember it’s okay to speak up about what you need, your feelings and boundaries matter. Just try to control your emotions as best you can, and remember that whoever is there, is there out of love.
If you want to connect with others who truly understand, hear real stories, and find honest support, please join us at My Cancer Club. Your experience matters here.
Sharing this post with your friends and family can help create a community of better support and care, because nobody should face cancer alone. If you would like to add additional helpful tips or comments, please reply to this post. I am speaking from a cancer patient perspective, but would love to hear from a cancer supporter point of view.